An update on saving sex for marriage: 3 months into marriage

An update on saving sex for marriage 3 months

I am writing this as a follow-up of my other article Why sex is for marriage ONLY & 8 benefits of waiting, because I could not read enough life experiences and witness accounts for the purity battle while we were fighting through it.  It is one of the hardest battles I believe any person will go through.

Here is some encouragement for those out there: I am nothing but grateful that we fought that hard and succeeded in our battle to save our sex life for marriage, and it was worth every moment of struggle.

Here is why and/or what I have learned about sex within marriage, after saving it for marriage:

a.)  Our wedding night was beyond all of my hopes and dreams and expectations.  But understand this: we went into the first time with little to no expectation other than to just enjoy each other (I strongly recommend this for reasons c and d).  We did just that, and it was amazing.  After the bond that was created after 2.5 years of spiritual and emotional bonding, after the healing process I had to go through for my sexual past, after all of the vulnerable moments… we were ready.  Ready to learn what God intended sex to be.  Here is what I experienced – no shame, no guilt, no insecurity, only excitement, anticipation, love, and peace.  That was a huge moment for me, because that was something I had never experienced before.  I took so much comfort in knowing that Ethan is my husband, because I knew that I could trust him with my sexuality and that he would not change.  I knew he would still strive to love me unconditionally.

b.)  Sex is extraordinary, and extraordinarily temporary.  I remember my mom suggesting before the honeymoon, “You guys can go for a day trip here, and see the sites there, and yaddah yaddah yaddah…” and I remember thinking, “Woman, we are not leaving our cabin!  We’re gonna be too busy having sex!  Do you understand how excited we are after all this waiting?  Sheesh!!”  But guess what – our bodies could only have so much sex.  Literally, things stopped working after day 3 and we had to start setting time restraints so that we could let our bodies recuperate adequately enough, because without them we wanted to keep trying.  It sounds so funny, but it’s the honest truth!

So during our 8 hours of rest, we were back to our old way of life – just hanging out together, shooting the breeze, making each other laugh, being silly, talking about things that matter to us, bickering from time to time.  It was then that I realized that had I been spending that time with anybody but my husband, I would have been disappointed and bored out of my mind.  But our relationship was not built on the foundation of sex, it was built on an emotional and spiritual bond.  That time that we spent together one-on-one, in nature, without our daughter… was priceless.  Sex supplements a relationship – it cannot sustain it or build a relationship past physical gratification.

c.)  Keep sex in perspective.  Keep reminding yourself what God intended sex to be.

The world has twisted sex into being something other than what it was made to be: something based on performance, physical satisfaction, the need to reach orgasm, and the need for sexual encounters to be wild and exotic.  Something purely physical that doesn’t often enter into the realm of emotional or spiritual connection.  Something revolving around the selfish desires of the person seeking satisfaction rather than seeking to satisfy the desires of the other.

This worldly vision of sex is something that a couple must fight together.  We have to focus on what sex was made to be, not what the world says it should be.  God opened my eyes to my own thoughts starting to follow this path about a month into our marriage.  I found myself thinking more about performance than connecting with my husband.  I thought more about my own satisfaction than showing him how much I love him, and making him feel how much I love him.  I was thinking more about my own wants and desires than my husband’s.

God made sex to connect a husband and wife physically.  God made sex to make babies.  God made sex to be a service to each other, a way of showing physically how much a wife loves her husband or how much a husband loves his wife.  It is a humbling experience when you realize that your thoughts have strayed to the selfish end with sex, and it has been so freeing for me since I have redirected my thoughts to purely enjoying my husband and wanting him to feel deeply loved and happy.  I will also say that without my selfishness, sex has been far more pleasurable and powerful for me.

d.)  Be willing and ready to work at it.  It takes trial and error, it takes moments of laughter, it may even be frustrating at times.  Nobody can do it flawlessly.  Don’t expect that from yourself or your spouse.  Just enjoy each other, remember that sex is meant to be a loving act and an act of service to your spouse – it doesn’t always have to produce great or mind-blowing results.  As Timothy Keller says in “The Meaning of Marriage”,

“With sex, we were trying to be vulnerable to each other, to give each other the gift of barefaced rejoicing in one another, and to know the pleasure of giving one another pleasure.  And as the weeks went by, and then the years, we did it better and better.  Yes, it means making love sometimes when one or even both of you are not “in the mood.”  But sex in a marriage, done to give joy rather than to impress, can change your mood on the spot.  The best sex makes you want to weep tears of joy, not bask in the glow of a good performance.”

e.)  You will find your sex life under attack at some point.  Sex is an important part of marriage, and marriage is a very sacred thing – of course Satan would attack your sex life.  We were certainly under attack within the first month or so.  Wounds from my husband’s past and my own mistakes (no matter how small) were stirring up feelings of distrust.  Distrust and the vulnerability that comes with sex do not mix.  Our sex life suffered from that for a while, and it was extremely scary and disheartening.  But after a lot of talks, and a lot of prayer, we are back on track building our relationship emotionally, spiritually, and sexually.

I have read and heard a lot of stories from people who reprimand others for waiting to have sex until marriage because they had an awful experience doing so and it ended their marriage.  In most cases, I would be willing to bet that some, if not all, of the following were at play: their expectations of each other were too high (probably brought on by our hyper sexualized culture and/or pornography), they were thinking more of their own satisfaction than their spouse’s, they were seeking to impress rather than connect, their sexual relationship was under serious attack from the enemy.

Push through the attacks, seek God in how to fight for your marriage, and then obey.

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39 thoughts on “An update on saving sex for marriage: 3 months into marriage

  1. Matthania Louis says:

    Wow, thank you so much for being so transparent. It is helping me a lot. My mindset is being renewed in the area of sex which is important for marriage one day. I’ve had sexual history ( btw the way I’m single and 25). I never seen it as a service to someone except for self gratification. the culture has left lots of images and expectations in my mind that aren’t even real. Pray for me, my name is Matthania ( Matty for short).

    Sent from my iPhone Please excuse any spelling errors.

    • Susan says:

      I’m right there with you. 25, single, with a sexual history. I’m trying to get my life back on track, but it’s definitely hard, and I’m fearful I will never meet a Godly man who will accept the history I come with.

  2. Antoinette says:

    I came on Pinterest looking for men’s fashion ideas for my boyfriend, and I find this. I know that God led me to this. My boyfriend is the sweetest man on earth, but very sensual and sexual; if I said okay today, he’d be butt naked in 10 seconds flat!! lol. He knows I want sex to be within the confines of marriage, and while he says he’ll honor that, I know that if I have even ONE moment of weakness, it’s over. It’s his weakness, so I feel I have to be strong for both of us, which is scary. His heart is in the right place, but physical urges are sometimes a monster! I am praying about this to God that he will help us. Please pray for me, my name is Antoinette. Thanks.

  3. Ashley Howe says:

    Thank you so much for this! I’m a newer Christian, divorced with two children and dating a Christian man who is also divorced with two children. We have decided that it’s important to wait until marriage, but for me it has been simply because it’s something God asks us to do. With that attitude it has been very difficult. But reading your story of how waiting isn’t simply something difficult He calls us to do, it’s a beautiful gift He’s preparing us for, has changed me! I know it’s still going to be difficult, but knowing that He has this beautiful plan for us will definitely help me keep my focus so much more. I think I’ll be printing this out and referring to it often when things get extra tough! Thank you so much!!!

    • John 7:53-8:11 says:

      Ashley, thank you so much for commenting!! I can’t express how happy it makes my heart to read that God is using what He taught me through one of the toughest battles of my life. You guys will be so blessed for your trust and obedience to the Lord and He will get to show you the beauties of waiting first hand! I know it is such a hard battle to fight, but I am so excited for you two – and what a great thing for your kids to witness!! God bless you in your journey with your family!! 🙂

  4. Susan says:

    Thank you for sharing. I am currently struggling to heal from my past sexual history to get myself right with God before entering a relationship. I want to find a Godly man, but I know my past mistakes can definitely cause distrust and will take a lot to overcome.

    • Single Young Christian Mom says:

      I know that fear, sister. I think that was the worst conversation I’ve ever had to have with someone – to confess my past to my future husband. But a Godly man will have God’s Spirit in his heart, and that is one of forgiveness and grace. He may struggle at times, but in the end, if that man is aligning his heart with the Lord’s, the Lord will win. You are not defined by your sins anymore. A Godly man will not define you by your sins either, because he will see the power of the Lord’s redemption in you. Praying for your healing, sister. I know it is hard. Keep seeking His face, He will never turn you away no matter what.

  5. Rebekah says:

    God is working. I am 21 and a momma, my boyfriend (not the father of my baby) and I fell into the temptation of sex and it’s been so difficult to get out of that trench. This is after me being in a place with God that I thought I wouldn’t make this mistake again. Turns out that sex before marriage also steers your focus from God to all worldly things. What a battle. Please pray for me and other ladies in a similar situation, as it is a snare that it’s far from easy to escape.

  6. Eryn says:

    You have changed my perspective on sex forever. My husband and I have been married for just over two years, and during most of that time I have been focusing on what the world says sex should be, and not what God intended it to be. I knew sex was a way for a man and woman to show their love for one another, but I never thought about it in the perspective that we want to pleasure our spouse because we love them. This may seem silly, but growing up as a Christian, the only thing I learned about sex was you’re not to have it until you’re married. Ever since I got married I have been trying to create a more fulfilling sex life for myself. My husband and I have had horrible fights regarding this issue; all of them because of my selfish ways. I’m great full I stumbled upon your blog, and I will be taking these new lessons with me into my marriage.

    God bless!

  7. savedheiress says:

    I think I love you. & I thank God for allowing you to put this on here. I’m currently 6 months pregnant, but I have chosen to stay pure throughout my pregnancy and after until I’m married because this child saved me. I’ve never looked at sex as what God intended it to be, it was all perversion. So I know I’m not ready to have sex now and until I understand that in my heart in real life I won’t be ready. Thank you for helping to open my eyes to that.

  8. Fatimah says:

    THIS IS SOO INTERESTING !! Salam, I’m a muslim girl. I love your articles & your vision is so similar to the islamic one. Can I ask you some questions about christianity via email ? I’m a firm believer of Islam without a doubt, but I’m just very very curious (as we love Jesus as well, and you seem to have an amazing connection with your religion) :). Have a lovely day sister !
    ps : excuse my mistakes, I’m french.

  9. Aida says:

    FINALLY! An article that speaks to my heart…my questions…such as, Okay, I waited, he waited, we get married soooooo now we live happily ever after; right? Yes and No. There will be attacks and there will be days where the ‘routine’ gets the best of both of you but because there have been mountains of conversations….real conversations and looking to God for wisdom and direction your love will be the caveat that moves you forward in the journey of marriage. Thank you! Love the articles.

  10. angel says:

    what really amazes me are the responses from many people. i kinda thought as a born again girl I’m the only one going through sex troubles.my man keeps telling me he can’t live without having sex.now I have more reason not to do it. m just a young Tanzanian girl in a culture where these issues are rarely addressed or atleast this way in the church. I’m in a world where people are too holy to tell us how to deal with the reality of dating.all I knew was don’t do it it’s sin.but now I pray that God can help me teach other youth as well.thankyou very much,I hope you wouldn’t mind helping me when I need someone who understands to confide to.

    • Single Young Christian Mom says:

      Angel, I am so thankful you found the blog and that you reached out to me. Please feel free to email me any time and I’ll respond as soon as I possibly can – sychristianmom@gmail.com. Be blessed, sister. This battle is world-wide and it’s one that wars with our flesh and in our spirits. It is a tough one. Anybody you can provide support and wisdome to will be so blessed and so much better equipped to fight!!

  11. jame verran says:

    Thank you for these articles, not many of us out there. I’m gettin married in less than a month and can’t wait to enjoy each other

  12. Elysian Bohemian says:

    I’m so glad I came over this. I’m 18 years old and have never had a boyfriend, but I do daydream a lot about what it would be like to date someone and then marry them. Sometimes I have struggles with my faith and trying to stay on the right path. I used to watch porn, but I have now stopped and focusing on life right now because I realize that pleasure wasn’t doing anything to benefit my life. I haven’t prayed as much as I used to, but I am a firm believer in God and his son, and that he gave our lives for us. This article has given me new insight and has made me desire to stay clean so that when I find the right man, it will be truly special. Would you apply the same rule to kissing? Thank you so much for writing this article,as now I will be thinking back on it often and continue building my relationship with Jesus! Warm Regards!

    • Single Young Christian Mom says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words and for your honesty and testimony – they are great encouragers and faith builders to me!! As for kissing, that is something I encourage you to explore with the Lord! I don’t believe there is any Biblical reference for kissing being sinful, BUT, if the Lord is convicting you to wait, it is out of pure love and understanding for you. He knows what is best for you in your relationship and He could be saving you from a more difficult path. For example, any time me and my now-husband crossed any lines physically, it always began with kissing. So pray lots about that and seek wisdom from the Lord and He will give it abundantly!! God bless you, sister!!

  13. Mike Rutch says:

    Amen. And some people will never know just how difficult it is not to masturbate.

    If you’re reading this, please pray for me, as porn has utterly destroyed my life and still continues to do so. Please pray that I will not choke the chicken at least for another month. Thankyou and God Bless !

    • Single Young Christian Mom says:

      I highly recommend you join a Celebrate Recovery group. Many churches hold meetings for these groups and I KNOW it works if you truly desire to be freed from this stronghold. My dad overcame his addiction to porn through Celebrate Recovery and having a solid mentor that held him accountable. There is also a church that is fighting the world of pornography and helping those caught up in it, it’s called XXX Church (http://www.xxxchurch.com/). I believe they also have resources on that site that tell you how to keep those sites out of reach through internet blocks and the like. I highly recommend you get into a small group that you can trust that can keep you accountable.

      At the end of the day, this is between you and the Lord. He knows your heart and He wants to help you. Pray for help and surrender this the Lord. Pray for clarity on how to fight it and then be obedient, and pray for strength when you feel like you can’t. Do not give up if you have a set back. I know my dad didn’t start his journey perfectly, but now he is 100% free. It all depends on how badly you want to break free, Mike. I know that with the help of Jesus, you can. I know it because my dad is free, and he had that problem since his youth.

      Praying for you for clarity from the Lord, discernment, and wisdom, and most of all strength to start taking big steps to break free!!

      Here are also a couple of books:

      AND
      http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578563682/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=32862592949&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4501428087894156977&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_81e5wnm1bw_e

  14. John says:

    My girlfriend and I are both 23 and have been together for over a year. We are both Christians and met at church. I felt like at the beginning of our relationship we were on the same page in regards to some key issues. One of those issues was that we both felt that sex should only take place within marriage. Over the past few months I’ve noticed some changes in our relationship. One of those changes is that the topic of sex seems to come up a lot. We can just be out randomly and she will mention something about it. A few days ago we were out eating and she randomly blurted out that a friend of hers recently had sex. I was so embarrassed because there were people all around us. She went into how long the couple had been dating and pretty much seemed to romanticize the whole thing. I’m just confused because this has only been happening over the past few months. I’m starting to think that maybe her position on premarital sex has changed. I love her but hearing this stuff from her is making it tough to stay pure.

    • Single Young Christian Mom says:

      John, I wish there were more men out there like you. Stay strong. Pleasing God is far more important than pleasing her. The enemy must be attacking/confusing her in this area. Be her strength! There were moments where I would falter, and had my husband not kept me in line, we would have caved. You are an awesome man of God!! Praying for strength and anointed conversations for you two, especially you!!!

  15. Clarissa Watson says:

    I’m 33 yrs old. Im married and have 2 beautiful boys to love and raise. My husband and I we’re virgins when we got married. Here we are almost 8 years of marriage later. June 20th will be 8 years. It’s been totally worth the wait. I have no regrets about doing things God’s way. It pays off in the end. I encourage you to do it God’s way. There’s so many blessings when you do things the right way!

  16. Rama says:

    Hey your article was very interesting I’m 21 and a Muslim girl and I don’t have anybody in my life for the moment but I won’t do anything before marriage and seeing all this reason: why is better to wait give me more strengths than I already have. I hope to meet the correct guy who will wait with me. Thank you!

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