This topic of abortion is weighing so heavily on my heart. And that is because I now know 4 different couples who have chosen this path instead of life. And now I watch them suffer, and it is all heartbreaking.
I know how much I still struggle with the promiscuity of my past… the shame and regret… and how those decisions, which pale in comparison to the seriousness of the decision to end a life, make me struggle with self hatred. I cannot imagine the depth of their pain. It makes my heart ache for them.
One of them has happened in my own family, and we are the only ones he has told about it, because he fears the response of the rest of his family. He and his girlfriend at the time decided to go that route, out of fear and shame. Fear that they weren’t ready, fear that they couldn’t support it financially, ashamed that they would have a child out of wedlock… This list goes on and on.
They have since broken up, the strain on their relationship becoming too much to bear, the immense guilt resurfacing just by being together, their anger at themselves exploding out in angry fights… He is deep in depression. I am now praying that he does not take his own life, as Ethan has said he has said some things that hint towards him contemplating suicide. It is so terrifying and heartbreaking to witness.
Another of our friends shared the same secret. This friend also said he now sees me very differently. He now admires me for going the “harder” route and is now living with the most intense regret of his life.
But he has no idea. Having a child is tough financially, and it’s more work (gotta feed ’em, ya know?)… But that little girl has brought me so much joy and added such depth to my life. She changed how I see everything and everyone. Parents out there know exactly what I am talking about. She gave me something to be better for. Every day, she wakes up, totters over to me with messy hair and sleepy eyes, she smiles sleepily at me, she gives me a hug, and she tells me how much she loves me. That doesn’t sound so bad, huh?
And there are difficult moments, for sure. It is difficult when our bank account is overdrawn. It is difficult when she is misbehaving. It is difficult when I have to wake up with her in the middle of the night because she had a very realistic dream about sitting on a potty. It was difficult telling people that I was pregnant and unmarried at 19 and was carrying the child of a man whose commitment level was questionable. It was difficult to have people look down on me for being irresponsible.
But that taught me not to cower under a critical eye. It taught me to pull my shoulders back, set my jaw, and decide that I was going to be a good mom. That I was going to do everything I could to give my baby a good life. And now I get to enjoy the fruit of that decision. I’ve got a beautiful little girl that I love with all my heart. I get to hear her belly laugh, get to watch her grow and learn, get to hear her thoughts about Jesus, get to praise God for every step she takes towards Him, get to help raise her to be a good person and then watch her be kind. And she has taught me more about unconditional love and grace than possibly anyone, as she had readily forgiven me for my mistakes and immediately hugged me, smiling, and telling me that she loves me. It is truly an amazing journey.
I truly believe that I did not take the harder route. They have.
Money can always be made. Your life plan may alter, but I truly believe it will NOT be for the worst. Money is not everything. College is great, but it’s also a debt generator (student loans have made my life 100x harder than my daughter. My husband got paid twice as much as I am being paid now, and he does not have a degree (now he is opening his own business), I know a couple that started and own 5 successful businesses, no college experience, the list goes on). Careers are great for money, but they will not fulfill you. Parties are fun, but they will not bring you the joy of a meaningful relationship, like the one between parent and child.
It is easy to walk into a Planned Parenthood and get an abortion, but life afterwords is far from it.
It is one of the greatest lies of the enemy that we face today – that abortion will save you from a difficult path. That your life is easier without another life to worry about.
But the reality is, you will have to battle a deep regret and remorse for an indefinite amount of time, perhaps your entire life. Your mind will randomly stray to that moment in time when you had the procedure or took that pill, and you will think about how old your child would be, wonder what they would look like, what their personality would be like, wonder what your life would look like with them by your side. You will look at other children and struggle to smile because of the sadness. You will struggle with self-hatred, because you have made a choice so selfish in hopes of making your own life easier, but the cost was ending a life.
I am not saying this stuff to make people feel bad, I am writing exactly what those that I know have told me they now feel and what they now struggle with.
If you have had an abortion and you are struggling with depression, please seek help. Do not isolate yourself. Dive deeper into church, try to find a small group setting to jump into (recommendation: Celebrate Recovery), find a safe space to talk about your struggles. Seek counseling (preferably Christian, as they can lead you to the Truth, which can lead to true healing). And whatever you do, do not let that decision separate you from the love of the Lord. God love you unconditionally. Truly. Do not let the enemy win. Do not let the enemy tell you you are too far gone. The darkness is as light to the Lord. He wants to save you.Read why.
I know it is scary to have a child when you feel unprepared. But you WILL BE a good parent. God will provide, for He is FAITHFUL. And even married people (also have many married couple friends pregnant right now) who have been TRYING to get pregnant struggle with the same fears – that they will not be a good parent, that they will struggle financially, etc. You are not alone!!! Having a baby is a big deal, but it is AMAZING. You can do it, because Jesus will be right by your side the ENTIRE time. And He’s really all you need.