9 ways to beat sexual temptation

9sexualtemptation

We are sexual creaters.  We were created that way.  Sex in marriage is a blessing from God, but the time before we tie the knot is a constant battle.

Ethan and I were always very attracted to each other, but over the last 2 years of deepening our emotional and spiritual bond, the attraction is insane.  This is the hardest and most rewarding battle I’ve fought in my single-lady life. Same for Ethan.  There have been so many benefits and blessings to waiting that we have no doubt we are doing what is pleasing to God.

Here are the ways Ethan and I beat sexual temptation:

1. Don’t wear sexy underwear or bras unless you will not be alone at any point that day/night.  I don’t know about you ladies, but the second I put on my favorite bra, I want to show Ethan how awesome it looks.  I found it so much harder to stifle that desire those days/nights.

2. Flee.  If you’re put in temptation’s path, run.  When things get too heated or too tempting, Ethan and I literally separate until we can calm ourselves down and get control.  If need be, separate for a few hours, or even the rest of the night if the temptation is too great.

3. Pray and redirect yourself when you get on those train of thoughts.  Those days that I let my mind run rampant, I struggle.  Same for Ethan.  It’s alright to have lustful thoughts for the person you’ll be marrying, but be careful.   Too much can lead to you pushing the envelope.

4. Pray together.  Ethan and I used to start off nights we hung out together with this.  We should get back into it because it is so extraordinarily helpful.  Or if you’re both having a hard time with control one night, stop and pray.  You’ll be amazed how focusing both of your minds back on the bigger picture will change the mood for the better.  Satan flees at that point.

5. Pray for each other separately.  This is always good.  You never know what your other half could be struggling with and facing on a daily basis.

6. No porn.  No looking at other people lustfully.  Your husband spouse deserves a faithful wife – mind, body, and soul.

7. Don’t kiss on a bed.  Or maybe even on a couch.  This leads to heated moments that can lead to other bad things.  Best to just avoid it since it gets extremely tempting very fast.

8. Honestly ask your man if he could be your rock for you the days/nights that you’re having a particularly hard time.  Men love to be needed and to be useful in their own unique way.  They love having a purpose and being able to help us.  That’s how they’re wired!  You admitting a weakness and vulnerability will also deepen your trust in one another and he will take your plea to heart.

9. Don’t tempt him with a super sexy outfit.  Ethan always tells me this is the hardest and most frustrating thing because “he has me, but he can’t have me all at the same time.”  When we wear super sexy outfits, we’re making the battle harder and more frustrating for our men.  Men are even more sexual than we are, and seeing a woman he has such strong feelings for showing off the body he’s trying so hard not to think about all day… how much temptation can a guy take?!  Don’t get me wrong, making an effort to look good for him is important sometimes and greatly appreciated, just don’t push it too far.

Here is an interesting way to think about this – when put in a sexually tempting situation you have two options to choose from:

1. your flesh – your sexual desires, your desires to fulfill your significant other’s sexual desires, your fear or disappointing said significant other, your craving for affirmation, trying to satisfy their craving for affirmation – this is so temporary.  Literally minutes of physical satisfaction that will leave your Spirit suffering.  Also, you cannot fully satisfy your significant other’s craving for affirmation, even physical.  That is something that is not your job until marriage.  Believe me ladies, I’ve tried.  That is something you have to trust God with until that point.  He will come through for you both, but God can’t fill that void (yours or your partner’s) until you give it to Him to fill.  After I truly gave this up to God, after I told Ethan very plainly, “I am sorry for holding you back spiritually, I haven’t been giving God the opportunity to fill this void in you because I  hate to see you suffer.  But God is asking me to trust you with Him, ALL of you,”  Ethan had his breakthrough God moment literally a few days later, where God was finally able to heal all the wounds from his past.  Ethan’s relationship with God is on a whole new level now, a level he may have never reached had I kept clinging on to him for fear that God would remain silent.

2. your Father – choosing Him over yourself, choosing Him over your significant other, trusting Him with your relationship, leaning on Him to help redirect you.  God will bless you, God will bless the relationship He has designed you for.

Don’t let your flesh rule you, let the Spirit guide you and obey its nudges.  Don’t choose your significant other over your Creator.  Fight the good fight, purity is beyond worth fighting for.

One last note to the ladies – staying strong in your morals may turn a man away from you, but guess what that means – he’s not the one.  He doesn’t deserve your body.  If a man pushes away from you because you have physical boundaries, that’s a good indicator that his heart and intentions with you are far from being in the right place.

About these ads

Why sex is for marriage ONLY & 8 benefits of waiting.

whysexisformarriagepic1

This topic sparks such a passion in me.  I know all too well the consequences of sex before marriage.  Now that I am in a relationship that has NOTHING to do with sex (yes, we have been dating almost 2 years, engaged for the last year, and have NOT had sex), I see the blessings and benefits in waiting for marriage.  Now it is clear to me that God made sex to be for marriage only, and I want to share what He’s taught me so far.

Before I had found and committed myself to following Jesus, I didn’t really see sex before marriage as a problem.  If we are have all these sexual urges and desires, it must not be a bad thing… right?  It was completely normal in my high school, actually.  I remember the pressure I felt to have sex with each boy I dated.  I wanted to experience it, yes, but the biggest reason was this: I hoped that once I gave them what they wanted, they would give me what I wanted – a loving, committed, romantic, thoughtful, ready-for-the-long-haul man.  I also wanted to give my boyfriend a reason to stay and hoped that our relationship would grow stronger.

This never works.  In fact, often times, when it’s not with THE man God has picked out for you, it works completely opposite.  I have a lot of proof of this being the case.  Boyfriend #1 of 2 years got bored with me and we grew apart, boyfriend #2 of a few months cheated on me with some girl on myspace, boyfriend #3 of 1 year called me only out of desperation to hang out with somebody (literally I was the last person he wanted to hang out with), and boyfriend #4 of 2 years broke up with me after I found Christ and told him I didn’t want to have sex unless we were married.

I have another example.  My wonderful and beautiful Aunt.  She was cheated on and got divorced when I was a child.  It must be about 10 years later and she found a great guy.  Christian, funny, nice, just a great fit for her.  My whole family loves this guy.  She made the decision to sleep with him at some point.  My aunt very badly wants to marry him, but he’s got some financial issues that could hurt her in the near future.  She’s been trying to get him to come up with a money plan to get himself back on track so they can move forward… but he hasn’t.  Think about it, what’s the rush?  He’s got my aunt sleeping in his bed every few days, he’s got his bachelor pad the rest of the time, he’s free to spend his time and money as he pleases, and he doesn’t have to answer to anybody. He’s got the best of all worlds from a guy’s perspective!!

Having sex complicates and destroys outside of marriage (James 1:13-15).  When sex is brought to the table, often times,  guys lose motivation to step up and get serious.  They aren’t as concerned with getting married as women are.  They’ve got everything they want for the most part, why complicate or change it? Being with all of the boys of my past and hearing the testimonies of family and friends have taught me all about the negative consequences of sex before marriage and have basically proven this theory.

Other reasons to not have sex before marriage:

First and foremost, outside of marriage, it is a sin.  God is the Creator of sex, therefore He knows best.  He says that sex should ONLY be between a married man and woman.  The sex between a married couple is blessed by God, God is all about it, He fully supports it, He is psyched when a married couple gets to fully enjoy the blessings of sex.  Sexual intimacy between a married man and woman is sacred, and having that lust for each other is an important part of a healthy marriage, hence the entire book of Songs of Solomon.  BUT just because we have the urges and desires, just because God made us sexual creatures, does not make sex whenever we want, with whomever we want, excusable or acceptable.  God didn’t design it this way, He instructs us not to do it (for all of these reasons and more), we should listen.

There’s also unplanned pregnancy, which is something I’ve experienced.  Children are a blessing, and their lives are precious and irreplaceable.  The love I have for my daughter opened my eyes to a whole new level of love that is impossible to compare.  She’s brought me more happiness than I could have ever imagined.  But guys, having a child before you’re with the right man and before you’re ready is so hard.  College is hard enough, add an infant or toddler in the mix and it is hard x 100 because you’ve got less sleep and less time to actually work at it and money is VERY tight (if you’re fortunate enough to have the money at all with tuition nowadays).  Babies are expensive!!  Relationships are more complicated – you’re not just dating for you, you’re dating to find the right man for your child.  Your day revolves around your baby.  Your money revolves around your baby.  Your sleep revolves around your baby.  Your social life revolves around your baby.  When the child is with somebody that you’ve decided not to be with it’s complicated and full of hard situations and conversations.  If you ever do find yourself in this position, please message me personally.  I would love to talk to you and help any way I can.

Then there’s STDs.  Those can be lethal for both the carrier and their future children.

And there’s the tendency to try too hard to make it work and give far too many chances.  We are biologically engineered to have one sexual partner.  There is a chemical in our brain that is released during sex, oxytocin.  It bonds us emotionally with our partner.  This bond makes us want to stay with that person, and therefore makes it difficult to accept when a relationship is unhealthy and ready to be ended, and therefore, deeper heartbreak when it does.  Every time we have sex with somebody and don’t stay with that person, it’s like a scab being ripped off of a wound.  It scars and scars and scars until eventually the effect that chemical has on the brain, meaning the bond itself, is weakened.  This means that the more sex you have with anybody but your spouse, the weaker that chemical/emotional bond with them will be.  If you want more on this, read “Bringing Up Girls” by Dr. James Dobson.  He has a whole chapter about it.

Being with my fiance, however, has been completely different from all of my past relationships.  It has been extremely enlightening in showing me the blessings to be had in waiting.  Here are some things I’ve learned:

1. If you don’t want to have sex before marriage, get that out on the table ASAP.  This is a very important topic for you both to agree on – meaning he needs to respect you and be on board.  I know it’s scary, believe me, I was terrified, but establishing this early on makes that pressure and fear of handling it disappear.   Afterward, I felt so empowered and strong in Christ for standing firm in what I believe in. If he doesn’t agree or fights you on it, and you wish to grow in your faith, he’s not the right guy.  He’ll only lead you down a bad path, and he definitely doesn’t deserve you or your body (Romans 12:1).

2. There are men out there that will respect this choice and help you through struggles.  It’s important to you, it’s important to God, you WILL find a man that will respect your boundaries and even become a rock in this battle.

3. After boundaries are established and consistently respected, that line becomes easier not to cross.  Ethan and I have not been perfect, and trust me, NOTHING good comes from roaming hands.  We leave each other on a bad note – unhappy, frustrated, and knowing that we aren’t staying true to what God wants for us.  Ironically, it also often leads to a fight, bitterness, frustration, and feelings of being unsatisfied.  But in one of our darkest valleys where we couldn’t see God at work in our lives, we actually talked about having sex.  We had been waiting over a year and a half.  We’d known for a long time, beyond a doubt, that we were meant to be together and we’d already been engaged 7 months.  The only thing stopping us was money.  We’d been waiting for enough money to come to support ourselves, were working our butts off, and fighting this purity battle, all to no avail.  However, after venting about this and talking about just doing it, we both felt terrified and guilty.  Neither of us wanted to cross that line now.  God had totally convicted our hearts.  Neither of us want any trace of guilt on our first night together, and the thought of blowing it after fighting temptation so long, really scared both of us.  Even when we were feeling weak in our walk with Christ, God came back strong by giving us that fear and guilt (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

4. God blesses couples that wait for marriage. PROFOUNDLY.  Not only will your relationship with each other become more deep and meaningful, but so will your walk with Christ.  Then as you go, your relationship will compliment and strengthen your relationship with Christ, and your relationship with Christ will strengthen your relationship with your man.

5. Your relationship will be built on a love that is real, substantial, and stable.  You will be falling in love with your man for who he is alone, and he will be falling in love with you for who you are alone.  No sex to cloud judgement and feelings.  Just raw chemistry and happiness in each others’ company.  You will be so emotionally and spiritually connected with him that the sex to be had within your marriage will be like the cherry on top.  The final finishing touch to seal the deal and deepen the bond of marriage.

6. The period of waiting for sex teaches you how to control your lust.  This time will greatly strengthen your trust in each other.  If you can resist the temptation to fool around with the man you love, you can resist any other bro easily.  Ethan and I have even used this time to control our lustful thoughts and keep them only for each other – something we are all called to do, but is often forgotten and ignored (Matt 5:28, Colossians 3:5, Job 31:1, “Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul” - 1 Peter 2:11).  9 ways Ethan and I fight sexual temptations here.

7. You become very good communicators.  When there’s no sex, you talk.  A lot.  That is a very good thing.  Ethan and I have broken down some serious walls over these last 2 years.  You become best friends, knowing each other better than anybody, trusting each other with extremely personal information, trusting each other when vulnerabilities and flaws in your character are exposed… It is an intimacy that sex could never achieve.  And better communication means more productive “fighting.”  The issues will be easier to resolve because you will be comfortable and open with each other at that point, so you will both be able to express your emotions and needs better.

8.  You’re fighting for (and earning) amazing sex for your future marriage.  Imagine your first night together after waiting, fighting temptation together, growing in faith together, knowing the deep emotional and spiritual love you’ve grown together, and finally getting to have guilt-free and BLESSED sex.  Sex blessed by God Himself.  That’s… powerful!  Plus, the odds that you’ll feel self-conscious knowing how deeply he loves you and that he’ll love you that way forever, are very slim.

For all those with a past: it is never too late to make the decision to pursue purity.  Christ died for our sins, His grace is sufficient.  All you have to do is commit and repent.  Leave the old ways behind and follow Jesus’ plan for your life (Ephesians 4:22-24), you will find a joy that lasts and endures even through hardship.  God Himself promises this!!